Dementia

Nothing in my life seems to last. Everything just come and go. I even thought now that I'm already suffering from Alzheimer's Disease and my whole memory is about to break down. But there are just some great things I'm keeping.

There was one chapter in my life that I regret until now.

It was like I was given a gift from God but everyday I was thinking that this thing wouldn't even last a week. It was like I'm medicating myself with the right prescription but it was just given on the wrong time. Indeed, it didn't work out. I made the wrong decision by killing it. Thinking I would be okay, thinking it was just some sort of attachment in a cold season and I could easily get over it, I made a decision I would soon regret. It was gone. Because of me.

Time have passed by, I got attached to other things. I guess it was the start of time where I'm finally starting to learn the new melody of my life. Indeed it gave me a new song, like a new fad for a new season and learn to just accept that this is the window I was looking to open. It lasted for some time, but still the idea that there is no infinite thing on earth haunts me again. I was again haunted by my own ghost. Ghosts of my past where I made a bad decision that I thought was only attachment. A certain memory wherein I lost momentum.

But if there's one thing about losing that I love is the pain. It's like my personal solace. My addiction. Every pain I keep on inflicting to myself was like giving me the idea that this is what I wanted.

But then, I go back to my own pinnacle. To where it all started.

All of a sudden, like a sudden gush of blood, chances would come into my life. It's like rewriting an old manuscript. But the only difference is that it has to be fast this time. Real fast. "No time to waste a kind of opportunity like this one". It will happen so it should happen. After an hour or so, there it is again - the bullet. It's standing right in front of me. The next minute - I was shocked. I was like hit by a train or something. I couldn't believe that of all places, it's going to happen here. Right in front of me, a gun. Anytime soon, the bullet will hit me. My heart beats faster than ever. My mind thinking whether I should take cover or not. But before I can think of a decision, that bullet once again hit me hard. Knocked me down. Right here in my heart. It was surreal. I never expected that kind of thind happening to me again. That for the next three hours I would be the weakest person on earth. I can feel the pain now. The pain which I have missed for so long is once again inside of me - crushing me. I couldn't even utter a word to say. I just let it kill me - nevertheless it felt so good. It gave me chills for some moment and then jerks in the next minute. I was hurting myself thinking it will never last. I was right. I'm still alive. But I realize something about that kind of pain I used to love.

The next time I find that gun, I will make sure it will kill me - fast.